QS PRN

IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS

Originally published October 9, 2009.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well, then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

–McSweeney's Internet Tendency 

Upside: I am so close to completing the prescribed list of courses for my doctoral program, and should be finished by the end of October.  

Downside: I am forced to wait until Spring 2022 semester to begin the research/dissertation phase. 

Honestly, there are so many positives and negatives to my current situation that I feel like I should make a T-chart. One the one hand, I will have a nice break over November and December. On the other hand, this delay pushes my graduation date out by a semester. I'll stop there before I get myself irritated over the whole mess that was initiated with Concordia University Portland suddenly closing their operations after I was 1.5 years deep into the program. Ugh. 

Instead, I will focus on the positives. Hey, maybe I'll have time to clean up this clown show of a website. It is in serious need of updating. After all, I began this site as a way to document the processes, pains, and products of my doctoral studies. And, maybe get back into the letterpress workshop and make something! 

New course started yesterday. First post requires a bit of research to define “human capital” using a source other than the textbook or required readings. Interestingly, most of the the sources point to Adam Smith (of Scotland) or Marxist writings with the respect to the origin of the theory/idea of human capital. 

In a nutshell, several theories of human capital exist. And, in true fashion, there are alternative viewpoints that focus on Intellectual Capital, Social Capital, or Cultural Capital. Seems to me that it boils down to the old argument between information, knowledge, and ignorance. As a result, here’s what I’ve got so far: 

A fact is information minus emotion. An opinion is information plus experience. Ignorance is an opinion lacking information. And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.  

One more paper to complete before Winter Break. I've learned a lot this past semester, but it is time for a break.  

I have been going full speed with the doctoral program since May. I am tempted to say that I am burned out...but I am reminded of my high school soccer coach whose favorite reply to that was, "You were never on fire."

Maybe I prefer a slow burn. Back to that last paper, a dispositional reflection. Due Wednesday by midnight. 3-4 pages.

• Connects (a) the core literature from Leading Organizational Change and (b) your experiences within and outside of the course during the last eight weeks, with at least three specific dispositions listed in the Mindset of a Scholar-Researcher (Concordia University–Portland Office of Doctoral Studies, 2018) material.

• The essay should address the following questions:

How has your understanding or practice of the three dispositions changed with the new ethics knowledge and experiences you have developed in the course?
How do you envision these three dispositions applying to your future work as an ethical social scientist?